Unexpected Turn...

I was running as fast as I could...running, running, running. It felt like forever. I couldn't slow down, but I couldn't speed up. It was like I was stuck in a never ending cycle. Someone was behind me, but I didn't dare to look back, in the chance that I might trip over a twig or rock along the dirt path. The hills ahead intimidated me, but I had no other choice but to lift my knees and push forward. The scenery was so peaceful and so natural. Yet, the moment was causing far too much stress. I could see the flowing water running along side of me. The trees at least had the courtesy to provide me with a sense of shade in this humidity. The cloud of heat that hung in the air made my lungs feel like they couldn't expand, and my chest was tight. So much was going on in my life at this very moment, but I was forced into a zone. I knew what I had to do, and so much was riding on me. I couldn't let anyone down, and I especially couldn't let myself down.

I had trained for months just for this exact moment in time. People knew my name and they knew my capabilities. I had no other choice but to win; that's what they expected of me. I rounded a turn, as I was forced to maneuver my steps in a zig-zag motion to get around the tree root that protruded into my path. Hundreds of people surrounded the track. I saw their lips moving, and their motions of jumping up and down led me to believe that they were acting in encouragement. My mind was in such a fog, that I couldn't even register any voices.

"Okay Kristen, 2 miles down, only 1 more to go. You can do this." I was trying to push myself, but something was holding me back. The spikes on my shoes dug deeper and deeper into the dirt with every step I took. It was like my feet were made of bricks all of a sudden. I didn't know what was happening. My vision became blurred, my breathing sounded like I had a frog in my throat, and my legs suddenly felt like jello. All of the expectations that were hanging on my shoulders, suddenly went down the toilet.



I awoke moments later to team mates, coaches, and parents surrounding me with water, wet cloths, and faces of disbelief. I guess the pressure, along with the 95 degree weather took me down. They all had this idea that I would win it for the team, but instead a moment of black out made the dream come to a crashing halt.

Journey for him...

I woke up to doctors surrounding me, nurses putting tubes all over me, and just a compelete room of chaos. Then I went out again.

My eyes finally opened, while my ears were ringing from a beeping sound. I looked around, took a head count. Mom, Dad, Matt...."Where's Jonathan?" I asked. A series of blank expressions were followed by outbursts of tears. I didn't have to be told.

Days later, the family lined up. I looked around, only to witness a sea of black. My tiny rubber boots were getting stuck in the wet ground. My knees chattered together in the brisk March air. I couldn't decide if it was from the cold or my pounding heart. I remember the trees swaying so violently for hours, but suddenly coming to a calm. It was like nature knew. The sun peeked from behind the big rain clouds, as a ray sliced across my cheek.

Strange men carried him over. The crank lowered him. Then he was covered. It all happened so fast. The pink granite stone was barely visible through all of the pictures, cards, and stuffed animals.

I felt a tug on my arm, gesturing me to move my cemented feet. I looked up to see the soft looks on my parents face. I hesitantly moved foward, towards what now looked like a mountain of dirt. The surrounding grass was drowning in shades of purple, yellow, pink, and red. Beautiful lilacs and daffodils couldn't make up for the sadness that lingered in the air. There was so much hanging down upon me, it was almost hard to catch my breath.



I look back on that day, and all of the days that followed. The journey to his casket, and the journey through my entire life without him was not something I ever imagined I would have to go through. I don't think any of us were ready for the journey that lied ahead of us on that cool morning. He wasn't just a brother, he was my best friend.

I often wonder how the path of my life would have changed if he was around today. Would I have made the same decisions? Would I be the same Kristen?

As I walked away that day, a breeze rushed in and dried the tears on my cheeks. I knew it was him.