A Journey Yet to Come

I truly cannot believe I am ending my Junior year of college and heading into the home stretch. It seems unreal that I will be graduating a year from now. I constantly think back to High School, and how it seems like I was there only yesterday. I still feel like a little kid, but sooner than I know, I will be independent and have an "adult" job...whatever that is!

I have so many fears about the journey that lies ahead of me. I am so proud of myself for being one of the first people in my family to graduate. Yet, for some reason I still have so many lingering doubts. I feel like I am always questioning what I really want to do with my life. Did I make the right choice of major? I try to picture my life 10 years from now, but it always seems blurry. Growing up I always imagined myself being one of those people who knows exactly what they want to be and sticks to it. However, as the years go on, I feel a constant sense of confusion. Emotionally, I am still the little girl who has her mom and dad by her side making all the decisions. When I come back to reality, it is extremely scary to realize that I am in control of where my life goes.

As I come closer to my graduation, I want to find myself and be confident that I have done the right thing. I want to be positive that I am have chosen the correct path to travel down. While I have always planned to go wherever life takes me, I realize that I need to have some control over this.

Clearing my head...

I can remember getting home that day; it was just like any other day. My parents were home watching TV and talking about their awful day at work. My brother stopped by for dinner because he couldn't afford groceries at his own house that week. For people looking in, this would seem like the most typical day. However, for me there was a lingering feeling...a negative, lingering feeling.

I walked into my house with a fake smile and pretended like the day was fine. When asked how class was I replied with a simple "Good." My mom asked if I wanted dinner, and of course I was hungry; I hadn't eaten a thing all day, but I didn't feel like being around anyone today. I just said "No, thanks," and walked into my room. For some reason I was just in a weird mood. Even if I was getting good grades, had a great job and an amazing family, and I was healthy, I felt like my world was crumbling. I couldn't really tell you why. It was just one of those days; a day where it feels like everyone is out to get you; a day that feels like you are alone in the world. I thought back to my day and felt my lips quiver when I thought about my teacher calling me out in front of the whole class on a poor piece of writing I did. I felt my eyes well up with tears when I pictured me walking around by myself on campus. It was the simplest things that were making my entire day, even my entire life, feel like a joke.

I decided to go for a walk. I needed some fresh air that I hoped would help to clear my head. I felt like it couldn't be these simple things bringing me down; there had to be something deeper, something more meaningful. As I walked further and further, I began to let out a stream of tears. I saw the scenery as I was passing by, but I didn't take notice to its beauty. I didn't really notice there were budding flowers and blue jays flying around. What I did notice was the huge gray cloud that seemed to be lingering over my head...everywhere else was blue.

It all started coming to me. I couldn't stop thinking about my brother and how much I wished he were here. It was impossible for me to remove his picture from my mind. I couldn't figure out why I had this strong feeling of him looking down on me that day. I began thinking about what we might be doing at this very moment if he were still here.


As my walk continued and I had gone full circle back towards my house, I suddenly realized the date. It was only one day away from the anniversary of his death. It all became so clear. His presence was stronger than ever on this day and it was really affecting me. As I got back to my house and walked up the steps, I saw one orange flower blooming from a bush of pink flowers. I picked the flower and placed it in my hair. As I looked up towards the sky, I saw a ray of light peek beyond the cloud. I had to smile in this moment.

Historical Flood

Being from Rhode Island, it seems like we are in our own little world...like nothing bad can ever come to us because we live in such a small state with tightly bound communities. Who would have ever thought the at we would go down in the history books?

I like right behind the Pawtuxet River...you know the one that peaked at 20 feet. Seems pretty ridiculous if you ask me. I have to say, I am extremely thankful and lucky that my house did not see any water. It felt like everyone around us was experiencing some kind of flood water; whether be a lake forming in their yards, or a swimming pool in their basements.

It was the Tuesday that the rain really began. There was no school, and people were urged to stay in their homes. I even had to miss out on work because all of the main roads were already flooding. However, it was important that I go to CVS that night to get some perscriptions. I thought it would be a pretty harmless drive considering the pharmacy is only about 5 minutes from my house. It turned into a horror show!

Cops were blocking every road possible that led me to my destination. Flood waters were filling the roads with 3 feet of water. As I finally found a road that was open and would cut through to where I needed to go, it looked from a distance as if it were free of water. I made my way about 50 feet down the road in the dark, when a rush of water appeared before me. I couldn't believe it. There was an emergency truck coming behind me, preventing me from backing up. I had no choice but to go foward.

My car pushed through the water at first like a champ. I heard the water viollently flowing under my wheels. Suddennly, I stopped. Just like that...my car did not want to push any further. I was in a panic because I thought everything in my car including my laptop and school books would get ruined. I sat there for a moment thinking of every possible thing that could happen to me at this point. But out of nowhere came a glimmer of hope...I felt my car pushing again. I actually made it through the water! It's as if my car felt my fear and trembling and pushed through for me.

For a good portion of the ride home my brakes were not working from all the water getting into them. I was scared each time I came to a traffic light or stop sign, but luckily there were no other crazy people like me going on the roads in these conditions. Needless to say, it was a scary journey, but something I probably will never forget.

Changing the Ordinary into the Unordinary...

Almost everyday I make the same 10 minute trip to my boyfriend's house from my house. I see the same stores, houses, and cars each time driving through my tiny town. I can't say that I have any particular attitude or any specific thoughts. Unless of course some life altering moment has previously occurred...But with my pretty ordinary life, those moments are pretty rare.


As I drove there on this day, I noticed the entire time I was smiling. I had to laugh to myself when I caught myself with such a big grin because I wasn't sure why exactly I was so amused. I looked around my car, noticing the hawaiian lei that hung from my rearview mirrow. Any outsider driving by my car or walking by it in a parking lot would look at the lei and just think I was some girly girl using it as a cute decoration that would make my car easily recognizeable. What they don't know is that there lies a whole crazy story behind that simple piece of decor.

It was a cool night in November. My friends and I were blasting music, dancing around our house and getting ready for a fun-filled night. We got into our dressy shirts and high heeled shoes and checked eachother to make sure we were up to standard. It was a nightly routine that most people would think was a little crazy, but we couldn't go out looking sub-par to any other girls. As we grabbed our purses and got into the car, we made a pact to look out for eachother and atleast make it back to our beach house in one piece. That pact soon got shot to hell.

It felt like mere minutes that had passed at the party, but apparently it had been hours. All of us were partying a little too hard, looking like fools. We were THOSE girls...the ones we swore we would never be. We were the only ones dancing around the house, dropping our drinks on the floor, and laughing like little school girls. Still to this day I thank God that nobody was filming us that night.

It came to a point in our partying that we decided everyone at the party was lame, so we needed to leave. As we walked out the door, we got into what we thought was my car. My key wouldn't work. I was convinced it was a sign that we wren't supposed to leave that night. I have little blurbs of memories from that point, but all in all the night seemed pretty empty the next morning.

We awoke the next morning to someone tapping our shoulders, yelling at us to get out of their car. Some girl we didn't know was glaring at us with stern eyes. There was a car full of girls crowded into her car, puke on the carpet, and each of us had hawaiian leis around our necks.

As I pulled up to my boyfriends house that day, I felt so thankful that I had found someone as amazing as him to save me from more nights like that. That night probably shouldn't be as funny as it was, but on this particular day I laughed as I looked at the lei that hung in my car. I think I'll always keep it there as a memory of such a crazy night.

Unexpected Turn...

I was running as fast as I could...running, running, running. It felt like forever. I couldn't slow down, but I couldn't speed up. It was like I was stuck in a never ending cycle. Someone was behind me, but I didn't dare to look back, in the chance that I might trip over a twig or rock along the dirt path. The hills ahead intimidated me, but I had no other choice but to lift my knees and push forward. The scenery was so peaceful and so natural. Yet, the moment was causing far too much stress. I could see the flowing water running along side of me. The trees at least had the courtesy to provide me with a sense of shade in this humidity. The cloud of heat that hung in the air made my lungs feel like they couldn't expand, and my chest was tight. So much was going on in my life at this very moment, but I was forced into a zone. I knew what I had to do, and so much was riding on me. I couldn't let anyone down, and I especially couldn't let myself down.

I had trained for months just for this exact moment in time. People knew my name and they knew my capabilities. I had no other choice but to win; that's what they expected of me. I rounded a turn, as I was forced to maneuver my steps in a zig-zag motion to get around the tree root that protruded into my path. Hundreds of people surrounded the track. I saw their lips moving, and their motions of jumping up and down led me to believe that they were acting in encouragement. My mind was in such a fog, that I couldn't even register any voices.

"Okay Kristen, 2 miles down, only 1 more to go. You can do this." I was trying to push myself, but something was holding me back. The spikes on my shoes dug deeper and deeper into the dirt with every step I took. It was like my feet were made of bricks all of a sudden. I didn't know what was happening. My vision became blurred, my breathing sounded like I had a frog in my throat, and my legs suddenly felt like jello. All of the expectations that were hanging on my shoulders, suddenly went down the toilet.



I awoke moments later to team mates, coaches, and parents surrounding me with water, wet cloths, and faces of disbelief. I guess the pressure, along with the 95 degree weather took me down. They all had this idea that I would win it for the team, but instead a moment of black out made the dream come to a crashing halt.

Journey for him...

I woke up to doctors surrounding me, nurses putting tubes all over me, and just a compelete room of chaos. Then I went out again.

My eyes finally opened, while my ears were ringing from a beeping sound. I looked around, took a head count. Mom, Dad, Matt...."Where's Jonathan?" I asked. A series of blank expressions were followed by outbursts of tears. I didn't have to be told.

Days later, the family lined up. I looked around, only to witness a sea of black. My tiny rubber boots were getting stuck in the wet ground. My knees chattered together in the brisk March air. I couldn't decide if it was from the cold or my pounding heart. I remember the trees swaying so violently for hours, but suddenly coming to a calm. It was like nature knew. The sun peeked from behind the big rain clouds, as a ray sliced across my cheek.

Strange men carried him over. The crank lowered him. Then he was covered. It all happened so fast. The pink granite stone was barely visible through all of the pictures, cards, and stuffed animals.

I felt a tug on my arm, gesturing me to move my cemented feet. I looked up to see the soft looks on my parents face. I hesitantly moved foward, towards what now looked like a mountain of dirt. The surrounding grass was drowning in shades of purple, yellow, pink, and red. Beautiful lilacs and daffodils couldn't make up for the sadness that lingered in the air. There was so much hanging down upon me, it was almost hard to catch my breath.



I look back on that day, and all of the days that followed. The journey to his casket, and the journey through my entire life without him was not something I ever imagined I would have to go through. I don't think any of us were ready for the journey that lied ahead of us on that cool morning. He wasn't just a brother, he was my best friend.

I often wonder how the path of my life would have changed if he was around today. Would I have made the same decisions? Would I be the same Kristen?

As I walked away that day, a breeze rushed in and dried the tears on my cheeks. I knew it was him.

Leaving Home

My morning started out as typical as you could expect; my generic Verizon ringtone woke me up, I made my bed, got ready, and rushed out of the house with a bag of cookies to substitute my nutritional breakfast. Who has time to actually sit down and eat breakfast anyway? I started my car, only to hear the daily rattling of some loose mechanism hanging from the underneath of my ten year old piece of junk, some people might commonly refer to as an automobile. I wouldn't go so far as to call it that, rather than a worthless piece of junk that has the ability to get me from point A to point B. I guess I can't complain, though. Some people don't even have a rusty pile of junk to call their own. I can't say that I was happy or sad this morning; pretty neutral in my emotions today. As the beat of Cascada intensified on the radio, I found my mood suddenly pick up, and my dance moves, that are slightly restricted from the seatbelt, came into full force...until someone at the stop light next to me gave me a weird look, of course. Back to driving like a "normal person" I went, whatever that means. As I was taking the the 45 minute trek to school this morning, I began noticing all the musty smells in my car, the dust on the dashboard, the napkins on the floor...how long has it been since I cleaned this thing?

I approached school, with only 15 minutes until the start of my first class. Past experiences have led me to believe that I am actually a lucky person when it comes to finding parking spots in this mad house. I pulled into the Fine Arts parking lot, with all intentions of getting a spot quickly and making it to class on time. I raced around the parking lot at speeds of most likely 50 miles per hour, trying to beat all of the other cars to that person walking. No luck! I began to give up and was thinking that I just might have to park at the bottom of campus, and dare I say it?...TAKE THE BUS!

As I headed out towards the exit, my little Nissan Altima, spotted its home. Two people walking by getting ready to leave. The Altima followed them for what seemed like a mile. We made it to the spot... I put the blinker on and sat there while the other people backed out. Finally, I found a place to house my car for the day, and with time to spare until class. When all of a sudden, a red bullet flies by in my peripheral vision. Next thing I know, this car has pulled into my spot. To say the least, I was in complete disbelief.

Of course I couldn't just give up on my car. After all that was her home first! So what else could I do, but block this car in, get out of my car, and yell! Well when that failed, and he felt no remorse for what he had done, I went to find another spot. We left our home and ventured off to find another parking spot. Ironically, I found a spot right behind the "spot stealer," as I now refer to him as. He was still in his car when he parked, so I wrote a few choice words on some post-it notes and stuck them to his windshield.



The Altima does not leave her home without a fight!