A Journey Yet to Come

I truly cannot believe I am ending my Junior year of college and heading into the home stretch. It seems unreal that I will be graduating a year from now. I constantly think back to High School, and how it seems like I was there only yesterday. I still feel like a little kid, but sooner than I know, I will be independent and have an "adult" job...whatever that is!

I have so many fears about the journey that lies ahead of me. I am so proud of myself for being one of the first people in my family to graduate. Yet, for some reason I still have so many lingering doubts. I feel like I am always questioning what I really want to do with my life. Did I make the right choice of major? I try to picture my life 10 years from now, but it always seems blurry. Growing up I always imagined myself being one of those people who knows exactly what they want to be and sticks to it. However, as the years go on, I feel a constant sense of confusion. Emotionally, I am still the little girl who has her mom and dad by her side making all the decisions. When I come back to reality, it is extremely scary to realize that I am in control of where my life goes.

As I come closer to my graduation, I want to find myself and be confident that I have done the right thing. I want to be positive that I am have chosen the correct path to travel down. While I have always planned to go wherever life takes me, I realize that I need to have some control over this.

Clearing my head...

I can remember getting home that day; it was just like any other day. My parents were home watching TV and talking about their awful day at work. My brother stopped by for dinner because he couldn't afford groceries at his own house that week. For people looking in, this would seem like the most typical day. However, for me there was a lingering feeling...a negative, lingering feeling.

I walked into my house with a fake smile and pretended like the day was fine. When asked how class was I replied with a simple "Good." My mom asked if I wanted dinner, and of course I was hungry; I hadn't eaten a thing all day, but I didn't feel like being around anyone today. I just said "No, thanks," and walked into my room. For some reason I was just in a weird mood. Even if I was getting good grades, had a great job and an amazing family, and I was healthy, I felt like my world was crumbling. I couldn't really tell you why. It was just one of those days; a day where it feels like everyone is out to get you; a day that feels like you are alone in the world. I thought back to my day and felt my lips quiver when I thought about my teacher calling me out in front of the whole class on a poor piece of writing I did. I felt my eyes well up with tears when I pictured me walking around by myself on campus. It was the simplest things that were making my entire day, even my entire life, feel like a joke.

I decided to go for a walk. I needed some fresh air that I hoped would help to clear my head. I felt like it couldn't be these simple things bringing me down; there had to be something deeper, something more meaningful. As I walked further and further, I began to let out a stream of tears. I saw the scenery as I was passing by, but I didn't take notice to its beauty. I didn't really notice there were budding flowers and blue jays flying around. What I did notice was the huge gray cloud that seemed to be lingering over my head...everywhere else was blue.

It all started coming to me. I couldn't stop thinking about my brother and how much I wished he were here. It was impossible for me to remove his picture from my mind. I couldn't figure out why I had this strong feeling of him looking down on me that day. I began thinking about what we might be doing at this very moment if he were still here.


As my walk continued and I had gone full circle back towards my house, I suddenly realized the date. It was only one day away from the anniversary of his death. It all became so clear. His presence was stronger than ever on this day and it was really affecting me. As I got back to my house and walked up the steps, I saw one orange flower blooming from a bush of pink flowers. I picked the flower and placed it in my hair. As I looked up towards the sky, I saw a ray of light peek beyond the cloud. I had to smile in this moment.